So, when the the word "hospice" is talked about with family and loved ones, not much happiness is involved. Hospice has always come with the meaning that the end must be near. That pretty much makes the situation much more real. You can deal with an illness for quite a long time with the hopes and thoughts that everything will get better. The disease will just go away or be defeated by treatment or even a cure will be found in time and the patient will get better and all will be great in the world. But...unfortunately, that is just a hope and dream and not how most situations finish.
When Genie made the decision, with my 100% agreement, to have Hospice come and set up camp in our home, I can't say that I was too happy. As mentioned above, it just begs you to think, "how much longer?" That is not something I want to think about. I have come to accept that the cancer is now winning and will likely take my wife. But, Hospice does not mean it is all over. There is still some fight left in her. What I do know is since she is receiving oxygen, she is breathing more easily, she can have normal conversations and the coughing has calmed down a lot. That fact in itself makes life her at our house so much better. Just hearing her struggle to catch her breath after every coughing attack was heart wrenching to me. I was helpless to do anything. The biggest drawback for me, is we are no longer sharing a bed.
I had a talk with Johnny and Jordan last night about Hospice being here and Genie's decision not to continue chemotherapy at this time. That had to be the hardest conversation I have ever had. It is pretty hard to talk to your kids about their mom dying when they are both young. For those of you that don't know, I have two amazing children. Unfortunately for them, this life situation has made them grow up faster than normal. Both had always taken a very active roll in helping with Genie and her needs. Now that the care giving has gotten a little more serious, I worry about them jumping in. I have no doubt they will, but I can never imagine what is going on inside their heads. When my mom passed away two summers ago, I was devastated and I was 49. Just a little self praise here, but damn, Genie and I raised a couple of wonderful young adults!!
Today has been kind of tough for me today. Not sure why. Maybe because it is Hospice reality? I have never been one to just sit around and not do anything and sometimes that is how I feel. I know being here to help Genie is why I have taken time off. I have however, organized some paperwork to give to our tax preparer. That's something. Let's see...I did the dishes and heck we all just had lunch, I can do them again. I have checked emails, surfed the net, and even blogged. So I guess today is complete and it is only 2:00. I am sure I will find other things!!!
Genie, I love you!!!
John
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Happy Valetine's Day!!!
Happy Valentine's Day to all of you.
Once you truly fall in love and meet your soul mate this day just becomes another day on the calender. I have never needed a "holiday" to show and tell Genie how much I love her and how much she has meant to me. With that said, I would like to take all of you down memory lane for a bit.
Twenty-one years ago, Genie and I were about to celebrate our 1st Valentine's Day as a couple. We had only started our relationship a month and a half earlier, so, even though our feelings for each other were growing at an incredible rate, how much "love" goes into the first Valentine. You don't want to see over the top, but rather cool and calm. You don't want to scare each other off. Lots of pressure comes with the 1st time this "day of love" rolls around. How will I handle it? Genie had no problem.
We were working with each other at Coco's as servers. She was the opener and I came in at 11:30 and worked the lunch shift. Since I came in later than the others, I was always put in the Garden room. I showed up on February 1st for my shift, went to set up my area and there I found a red envelope with my name on it as well as "1 of 14". It was a Valentine's Day card from Genie. It is only the 1st. I am pretty sure there was a small gift also, but I can't remember that. Needless to say, for the next 14 days, there were more cards, gifts, notes, balloons and others. Here I was worrying about one day and she had been planning for a 2-week celebration for some time. When I came to work on the 14th, there were streamers and balloons throughout my own little service area as well as one of those giant cards and a street sign that read "Cupid's Corner". I just remember thinking how much I loved this lady. Remember, we had only been a couple a month and a half!!! That night we went to The Velvet Turtle for dinner. We had a great time that night. I knew that this was the first of MANY Valentine's celebrations with this woman!!
Just the other day I was cleaning our garage and I came upon the box with the label "Genie and John Mementos". I opened that and saw the cards, some notes (one of which I couldn't read in front of children) and even that street sign. WOW!!! Such a trip down memory lane!!!!
Valentine's Day is said to be the day for lovers. I say that EVERY day is the day for love!!! Make sure all the ones you love are told that daily. And always remember that everyday will not be a good day, but that should never change the the love that you share.
I love you all and Genie, my words will never be enough. You are the Love of my life and my Soul mate. I knew that 21 years ago and I will know it forever!!!!
John
Once you truly fall in love and meet your soul mate this day just becomes another day on the calender. I have never needed a "holiday" to show and tell Genie how much I love her and how much she has meant to me. With that said, I would like to take all of you down memory lane for a bit.
Twenty-one years ago, Genie and I were about to celebrate our 1st Valentine's Day as a couple. We had only started our relationship a month and a half earlier, so, even though our feelings for each other were growing at an incredible rate, how much "love" goes into the first Valentine. You don't want to see over the top, but rather cool and calm. You don't want to scare each other off. Lots of pressure comes with the 1st time this "day of love" rolls around. How will I handle it? Genie had no problem.
We were working with each other at Coco's as servers. She was the opener and I came in at 11:30 and worked the lunch shift. Since I came in later than the others, I was always put in the Garden room. I showed up on February 1st for my shift, went to set up my area and there I found a red envelope with my name on it as well as "1 of 14". It was a Valentine's Day card from Genie. It is only the 1st. I am pretty sure there was a small gift also, but I can't remember that. Needless to say, for the next 14 days, there were more cards, gifts, notes, balloons and others. Here I was worrying about one day and she had been planning for a 2-week celebration for some time. When I came to work on the 14th, there were streamers and balloons throughout my own little service area as well as one of those giant cards and a street sign that read "Cupid's Corner". I just remember thinking how much I loved this lady. Remember, we had only been a couple a month and a half!!! That night we went to The Velvet Turtle for dinner. We had a great time that night. I knew that this was the first of MANY Valentine's celebrations with this woman!!
Just the other day I was cleaning our garage and I came upon the box with the label "Genie and John Mementos". I opened that and saw the cards, some notes (one of which I couldn't read in front of children) and even that street sign. WOW!!! Such a trip down memory lane!!!!
Valentine's Day is said to be the day for lovers. I say that EVERY day is the day for love!!! Make sure all the ones you love are told that daily. And always remember that everyday will not be a good day, but that should never change the the love that you share.
I love you all and Genie, my words will never be enough. You are the Love of my life and my Soul mate. I knew that 21 years ago and I will know it forever!!!!
John
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Well...finallly. My words and feelings.
I know I am a bit late to the party. Genie has been blogging for over 2 years. I have often told myself this would be theraputic, but sometimes I just don't want to face the reality of my life. Well, this is my life. Dealing with a wife with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer; not only dealing with it, but now dealing with it, when it appears to be winning.
Okay, let me state that this blog is what "I" am feeling. I think that I will have left all the real positive stuff to Genie and her writings. It has come to me that I am not nearly as "positive" as my wife has been. Please understand that I mean no hard feelings to anyone. This is "my" life and how this journey is affecting me and my thoughts. Remember...I love all of you.
So.......
This past Friday, while at work, I got a call from Genie's longtime friend, Luanne. Luanne is an RN and works for Stanford. Luanne had just finished talking to Genie and thought she would ask me a "hard" question. It concerned bringing in Hospice. Okay, to me Hospice means the end is imminent. I am not quite ready for that. As I spoke to her, remember I am at work, we talked about how they would be able to provide Genie with oxygen and a better bed to sleep in. Also she mentioned that this does not mean Genie has given up, but rather we need to make her more comfortable. I felt that this might be a good idea. Needless to say, I am now crying...''knock, knock".."John, there is a guest up front that needs to talk to you." Oh joy! Let's see if I can end this conversation and become presentable to talk to a guest. I say good-bye and tell her I need to think about this. I straighten myself out and go meet with the guest, About 30 minutes go by and then I am told that Genie is on the phone. Great. It is still in the middle of a Friday lunch, but I always will to talk to Genie. She asks if I had spoken to Luanne, and I told her I had. She asks my opinion. I am under the impression that Luanne has accessed the situation and then called me to ask my thoughts. No...she and Genie had already discussed this and now I am on the hotseat to make a decision...right now, or that is how it seems. Again, "Knock, knock". This is not the way to run a restaurant. I finish my conversation with Genie by letting her know I can't do this right now (or something like that) and again, back out to work. Well, it is a bit difficult to concentrate on my shift. I constantly catch myself thinking about anything and everything except work. Maybe an hour or two go by and Genie calls again. I feel very frustrated that this is how a decision has to be made, but I agree that hospice is a good idea and tell her to have Luanne or herself make a call to get it all rolling. I realize that the ball had already been put in motion due to the fact that Genie mentioned that they may come out tomorrow. Where are we putting the bed? Where am I sleeping? Do I need a new bed? Is Genie going to always be in the living room in bed? Work? What? Am I there? Where am I? My brain is not at The Old Spaghetti Factory anymore. She mentions that I should call Julie (my boss). I mention that I will take care of my job. "Should I call her?" she asks. I say "no." I say that I need to go and then I start to focus on my job so I can then think about my life at home.
It is now about 4:30 or so and I finish a work phone call and go out front to check on the restaurant. "John, you have a phone call." No problem. It is Julie. I am told I need to take the next 5 days off to deal with what is going on at home. How did she know? Joel, the new GM? No, it was Genie. Julie would not say so when I asked, but I knew. I was so angry yet releaved at the same time. I had planned on checking my schedule and calling around to see what help I could line up. I knew I needed to have the next few days off, but I wanted to make sure everything was set up before I left. That is MY restaurant and I wanted to make sure everything was set up. Well, when your boss tells you to collect your things and go home for 5 days, you do it. So I did.
Well, now I have been home for a few days, hospice hasn't called, but I have felt so needed here at the house. I know it makes Genie more at ease when I am here and also our kids don't need to be "grown-ups" and deal with all of Genie's needs. That is my job and I am so willing to do it for as long as necessary. Damn, I love her so much!!! This is so hard.
Until tomorrow.......
John
Okay, let me state that this blog is what "I" am feeling. I think that I will have left all the real positive stuff to Genie and her writings. It has come to me that I am not nearly as "positive" as my wife has been. Please understand that I mean no hard feelings to anyone. This is "my" life and how this journey is affecting me and my thoughts. Remember...I love all of you.
So.......
This past Friday, while at work, I got a call from Genie's longtime friend, Luanne. Luanne is an RN and works for Stanford. Luanne had just finished talking to Genie and thought she would ask me a "hard" question. It concerned bringing in Hospice. Okay, to me Hospice means the end is imminent. I am not quite ready for that. As I spoke to her, remember I am at work, we talked about how they would be able to provide Genie with oxygen and a better bed to sleep in. Also she mentioned that this does not mean Genie has given up, but rather we need to make her more comfortable. I felt that this might be a good idea. Needless to say, I am now crying...''knock, knock".."John, there is a guest up front that needs to talk to you." Oh joy! Let's see if I can end this conversation and become presentable to talk to a guest. I say good-bye and tell her I need to think about this. I straighten myself out and go meet with the guest, About 30 minutes go by and then I am told that Genie is on the phone. Great. It is still in the middle of a Friday lunch, but I always will to talk to Genie. She asks if I had spoken to Luanne, and I told her I had. She asks my opinion. I am under the impression that Luanne has accessed the situation and then called me to ask my thoughts. No...she and Genie had already discussed this and now I am on the hotseat to make a decision...right now, or that is how it seems. Again, "Knock, knock". This is not the way to run a restaurant. I finish my conversation with Genie by letting her know I can't do this right now (or something like that) and again, back out to work. Well, it is a bit difficult to concentrate on my shift. I constantly catch myself thinking about anything and everything except work. Maybe an hour or two go by and Genie calls again. I feel very frustrated that this is how a decision has to be made, but I agree that hospice is a good idea and tell her to have Luanne or herself make a call to get it all rolling. I realize that the ball had already been put in motion due to the fact that Genie mentioned that they may come out tomorrow. Where are we putting the bed? Where am I sleeping? Do I need a new bed? Is Genie going to always be in the living room in bed? Work? What? Am I there? Where am I? My brain is not at The Old Spaghetti Factory anymore. She mentions that I should call Julie (my boss). I mention that I will take care of my job. "Should I call her?" she asks. I say "no." I say that I need to go and then I start to focus on my job so I can then think about my life at home.
It is now about 4:30 or so and I finish a work phone call and go out front to check on the restaurant. "John, you have a phone call." No problem. It is Julie. I am told I need to take the next 5 days off to deal with what is going on at home. How did she know? Joel, the new GM? No, it was Genie. Julie would not say so when I asked, but I knew. I was so angry yet releaved at the same time. I had planned on checking my schedule and calling around to see what help I could line up. I knew I needed to have the next few days off, but I wanted to make sure everything was set up before I left. That is MY restaurant and I wanted to make sure everything was set up. Well, when your boss tells you to collect your things and go home for 5 days, you do it. So I did.
Well, now I have been home for a few days, hospice hasn't called, but I have felt so needed here at the house. I know it makes Genie more at ease when I am here and also our kids don't need to be "grown-ups" and deal with all of Genie's needs. That is my job and I am so willing to do it for as long as necessary. Damn, I love her so much!!! This is so hard.
Until tomorrow.......
John
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