Happy Holidays? Not to Sure This Year

Okay.  I know that title is a little sad, but you know what?  I'm a lot sad this holiday season.  When I last wrote in September I was worried about that month.  Let me tell you something, as of right now, this month is worse.  The Christmas season is about joy, happiness and being thankful.  The only one of those three I feel now is "thankful".  Being "thankful" for my kids and family was the only way I got through Thanksgiving and it will be the only way to get through Christmas and New Years.  Johnny and Jordan are my everything.  They keep me going.  If not for them, I don't even like to think how I would be doing.  I know it wouldn't be going as well. 

Johnny decided we should go and cut down our Christmas tree this year.  We had done it twice before as a family, but it was not a thing Genie was to into.  So this year we started a new tradition.  They each invited a friend and we all jumped in the car and headed to Auburn to find a tree.  Here's the Mark Family twist.  We left for Auburn at 4:05 and the lot closes at 5:00.  It was about a 40 minute drive, and would we even be able to get on the 16 acre lot to search for a tree, and would we even be able to see it since it is getting dark so early?  We followed the directions and before you know it we are travleing down a single lane gravel road out onto a hillside with not lights anywhere.  A couple of minutes later, there is a gate that was open, so in we go.  There were about 4 other cars there at the that time so I felt a bit better showing up late.  We were greeted by a sweet elderly lady that owned the farm with her husband and she gave us the rules, so off we went.  Picking out a tree in a lot is easier than on a Christmas tree farm.  Lots all have the "best" shaped trees.  The trees here were not groomed.  there were some that were perfect on the bottom, but had nothing but a stem going up the last foot and a half and some that had giant holes throughout.  As we trudged through mud we finally came upon one that looked good.  A little better on one side than the other, but we can turn that side to the wall.  We yell out "saw" like we were told and almost instantly someone showed up.  Johnny took the saw and cut it down.  We take it back to pay and realize there is a tiny gift shop with homemade jellies and jams, candy, hair ties, and other knick knacks.  All four of the kids had to get something.  It was a fun little adventure and it ended even better by stopping to see Monica at her and Frank's Strings restaurant and enjoying a wonderful dinner.

Well, now we had a tree.  I guess that meant I had to get the Christmas decorations down.  I admit, I had been putting this off.  I wasn't even sure if I wanted to decorate the house at all.  This was more of a Genie thing.  She seemed to really get into the holiday spirit more than I.  She loved this time of year.  It took me almost a week, but I finally did it.  The tree had been in the garage almost a week before it got to come in the house.  Once there, it stay without lights a few more days, and actually as of this writting, still is untrimmed.  (That will get done this weekend).  I pulled out all the outside decorations and got the outside looking pretty good.  Still a little more I might do this weekend, but we will see how I feel.  And then came the hardest part of this whole Christmas season for me to date.  Hanging our stockings.  The minute Genie's came out of the box, I cried.  I hung it, I cried.  I stared at it, I cried.  I just can't believe she won't be here for this.  Last Christmas was hard.  I knew deep down in my heart that it would be our last Christmas together, but those are thoughts that you try and dismiss. 

As we started to get Chrismas cards, I realized that there are people that are in my "circle" that don't know that Genie passed away.  The second card we received was written to "Genie & John"  Do I send in my card to them that she passed away.  Won't that make them sad at this time of joy?  I so wish I did not have to even think of things like that.  I have enough on my own plate, but it is in my nature to worry about others.

Now let me tell you about work.  It is the LAST place I want to go everyday.  I know it is healthy for me to go on with my life, I understand that.  But it doesn't mean I have to enjoy it.  The most difficult aspect of my job right now is when I get complaints about schedules from the team members, or even issues from the guests.  I always want to say to them "Really?  This is your issue?  Try Christmas after losing your wife and then evalute what is really important.  I am sorry your food is cold, but try waking up with a cold side of the bed every morning." Or, "Really, you aren't in a good station?  Try making 53 of you happy after you lost your wife.  I really couldn't give a crap what your schedule is.  Do you want a job or not?"

I know this is all a process, but I don't have to like it.  It's the little things that get me the most.  Just the other day while driving to work, I saw a couple, about mine and Genie's age, holding hands.  It is something we ALWAYS did.  That day, was one of the hardest days I had at work in a very long time.  That was the only memory that was in my head and I couldn't shake it.   Memories are what I have now and I need to enjoy them all, no matter how they make me feel inside.  I have mentioned it before, my life is now about "firsts".  I hate the "firsts" of anything without her.  She was my biggest supporter in everything I did and she is not here now.  I have lots of support, but it is not her.  She had to live with the results with me so it made it more real, if that makes sense.  If is were a wrong decision, she dealt with it with me and if it was a success, she enjoyed that too. 

Here's to the first Holiday Season without her.  Part of me wants to say "BAH HUMBUG!!!", but I won't.

MERRY CHRISTMAS to all!!!   And to Genie...I love you, now and forever!!!

John

September

Well, it's here.  I have been thinking and dreading the arrival of this for sometime.  What is it?  It is September.  September used to be the month that Genie and I looked forward to more than any.  It was OUR month.  Both of our birthdays as well as our wedding anniversary are all in September. 

It is not like we celebrated them with huge blowouts or anything like that, but it was more of a month to recognize each other with the love we shared.  To look back on our lives and make our plans for the future. 

So when three years ago, on Genie's birthday, she was diagnosed with breast cancer, September changed.  We now had something in OUR month that we did not want to celebrate.  It was a very sobering occurrence that I hope and pray no one else will have to deal with.  But I will tell you, she and I looked at each other and made a commitment to each other to fight this damn thing till the end. In that deal was another side agreement.  In joking fashion I remember telling her she "had to make it to our 20th anniversary."  The month that the cancer was detected, we had celebrated our 17th year as husband and wife.  So you can do the math...we won't be celebrating year 20 together.  It was a joke three years ago.  Never in my wildest fear did I think there was a chance that she wouldn't be here.  She was going to beat this damn disease and we were going to celebrate September 5th for a very, very long time. 

When I think about what we went through on our wedding day, sometimes I wonder if we should have made it as long as we did.  We got tested.  I am not sure how many people actually know all the things that went wrong on our day, but I will tell you now. 

My ONLY job as the groom, for the wedding was to find and hire the photographer.  I met with many and finally decided on a guy who was probably almost 60 years old.  His work was wonderful and he had all the experience in the world.  So I tell Genie this and she seemed a bit skeptical, but she trusted me.  So on our wedding day, the photographer goes to be with Genie and the bridesmaids as they get ready to take pictures of them getting ready.  Genie was a bit perplexed when she met the photographer.  I will explain in a bit.  So pictures are taken and off into the limo go the girls.  In the meantime, myself and the groomsman climb in our limo and off the the Hakone Japanese Gardens for the celebration.  The Gardens are atop a winding and fairly steep hill.  We arrive and so as we are getting prepared, the photographer comes up to me and my guys to take our pictures and he comes to me and says "Hi, I am you photographer."  My response..."No you are not!"  Turns out, the guy I hired had to have an emergence root canal that morning.  How about a phone call?  Okay, I guess you are my camera guy.  So I remember him taking a bunch of pictures throughout the ceremony and all seemed okay. So the ceremony ends and we climb back in our limos, Genie & I as well as Robby and Luanne and head to the reception.  I begin to look around in the limo and it is different.  We were to be riding in the limo that brought me and the groomsmen to the wedding.  This was not the same car.  Turns out, that the brakes were going out in the original car that brought us there, so during the ceremony the company changed out limos.  Are you keeping track?  You know how Genie was with signs.  That is 2, photographer and car.  So on to the reception.  The hard part is over, what else could happen?  Well, not sure if we missed something in the agreement with the place of our reception, but before we were ready to go, we were told that we need to shut down the party.  Say what?  So before we were ready for it to end, we had to end it.  So, Genie goes to collect her purse and belongings and we realize that her purse is missing.  It wasn't at the reception and it wasn't in the limo.  Her purse had been stolen.  Are you kidding me?  That's 4!!! So off to the hotel we go. 

As most of you who have been married can attest to, you really don't eat much at your reception and since our wedding was at 5:00 pm, neither of us had eaten very much that day and we were starving!!  So off to Der Weinerschizel for chili dogs and fries.  We pull up to the drive-thru window and before you know it all the employees are looking at us.  We were both still in full wedding garb, tux and wedding dress.  So back to the room and I will now skip to the morning.  About 6:00 I wake up and I feel like crap.  Mind you, this does not have anything with the amount I drank, I know a hangover and this was not one.  Genie got here first bout with "in sickness and in health".  I needed some Pepto Bismal and I needed it soon.  So she gets dressed and goes and gets me some.  It seemed to do the trick, but I was not feeling well.  We had scheduled a celebration in a park the next day for many others who we could not invite to the wedding, and since we were not leaving for our honeymoon till Monday.  While we were there, I still was not doing to well.  As people begin to show up we hear that several other people were not feeling good either.  I was blaming the chili dogs, but as it turns out, about 12 people got food poisoning from our reception. 

About a week passes and it is time to view our pictures.  When seeing the photos something occurs to me.  Our substitute photographer sucked!!!  Pictures were blurry and not well done.  Also, there are a bunch of pictures missing that we knew were taken.  I had individual pictures taken with each groomsman and I only saw one.  There was not even the normal wedding party photo.  You know the one, bride and groom in the middle and so forth.  It was taken!!!  You have got to be kidding me...right?

So that's 6 signs that maybe we weren't supposed to be doing this.  As it turns out it was signs that we could make it through anything due to our love for one another.  So when breast cancer came along...another bump in the road.  Well, it was a challenge that proved too great. 

So when Wednesday, September 5th comes, I am not sure where my head will be at, but I will be celebrating with her in spirit because I know that what we shared can't be measured in years, but only in a lifetime!!!

Love you Genie...Now and forever!!  Happy 20th!!!
John

Been a while, but life moves on.

First off...Hi Teresa!!!

Well, life moves on.

The 5th month anniversary of Genie's passing occurred this week.  It is hard to believe it has been that long, but at times it seems longer.  Every day is different.  The 20th of each month, at least the last four, have been very difficult days for me.  Every time I wrote the date at work or saw it on television or when anyone would mention it would cause me so much heartache.  The number 20 has a new meaning to me.  It is the date that I lost the love of my life.  I would wake up in the morning and right away start the day in a funk.  It was something I couldn't shake till the next day.  Work was difficult on the 20th.  Everything would remind of Genie.  Having worked together in a restaurant, there are constant reminders of her everyday.  I would spend countless moments looking at all the photos I have of her on my phone.  And when there was a problem or an issue at work, it would sometimes be hard to empathize with the guests when there food was cold.  "Really?  My wife passed away this year and you are upset that your food is cold?!  Cry me a river!"  That is the thought process, but Genie would remind me to be "patient.  They don't know your life."  She would be right.

I am not sure why, but this past July 20th passed without all the heartache as the previous ones.  Then the guilt would hit.  "Why aren't you upset today?  It is the anniversary of Genie's death.  What's wrong with you?"  My answer, life's moves on.  It doesn't make it any easier, but what else can I do?  Wallow in self-pity?  What good would that do?  I have enough sadness everyday.  I cope all those days. 

Okay enough about that.  Let's talk kids.  I will start with the oldest, Johnny.  That young man amazes me everyday.  He learned something from his mom that I know makes her smile all the time.  He is now going to Blood Source and donating platelets every 2 weeks.  Genie would do it all the time and he is doing it as well.  He knows that this will save lives.  And get this...he just ran a triathlon this past weekend.  Not only did he run, bike and paddle it, he beat it up!!!  He finished 3rd in his age group and in the top 20 of all men in the Ironman competition.   Are you kidding me?  He only decided to do the race 3 weeks ago and trained for basically 2 weeks.  The kid is in great shape anyway, but a triathlon?    If you ask him, Genie was right by his side the entire race.

Jordan was able to join her aunts, uncles and cousins for a little 4th of July getaway and then attend her best friend's family reunion.  I guess she is part of their family now too.  She and I also went to see The Little Mermaid at Sacramento's Music Circus.  It was wonderful.  Watching her light up as the songs were sung and the performance continues put such happiness in my heart.  I know Genie was in the auditorium with us.

I was even able to have some fun.  We went to San Jose to spend time with our family there and my 2 best friends were there too.  It was lots of fun and helped my mind relax a lot. 

These are memories I should be having with Genie.  These things are so important to me.  To see them move on with their lives as well.  I cried at the race.  I cried at the play.  I cry when I think of the lessons Genie has taught them.  I cry when they are able to spend time with Genie's side of the family.  I just cry a lot.  Life moves on, but it moves with much more feelings. 

Anyway...Genie, I love you now and forever!!!
John

Happy Memorial weekend everyone.  I hope you all are having an enjoyable extended weekend.  Always remember why we have the extra day off.  Who knows what our lives would be like if not for all the men and women that served in our militaries and the many that gave the ulimate sacrafice so we can enjoy the freedoms that we do.  A special THANKS to my dad, Charley, Uncle Ted, cousin Ed and Uncle Chuck.


Memorial weekend was always a special time for Genie, myself and the kids.  After we moved to Sacramento, our full-family time diminished quite a bit.  Even though San Jose was only 2 hours a way, it seemed to always get in the way.  At this time as well, my mom and Charley were living in Clear Lake and it seemed we would see them only on the famliy events in San Jose.  When I took the break from the rerstaurant career for about 5 years, I actually had weekends off like the rest of the world, so when a holiday rolled around on a Monday I actually had an extra day off.  So one Memorial Day weekend we decided to spend it with my mom and Charley at Inn Oz.  This was the bed and breakfast that they had in their home.  Genie and I loaded the kids and PJ in the car and off we went. 


It was always a fun time to go to Clear Lake.  Come on, they had a lakefront home.  How can that get any better?  It was always so beautiful and peacful there.  I seemed to spend many nights there just staring at the starry nights and marveling on how many stars are really in the sky.  There are so many more when you leave the city.  One year, a waterslide park opened in Lake County.  That suddenly became our destination.  It was no Sun Splash or Manteca, but it was waterslides.  The fact that there weren't many people there made it even better.  It didn't survive long, but we got a few visits to it.  What ultimately came of our first trip, was the fact that this became "our" weekend to come and spend with Nana and Grandpa.  The kids got to spend time with my mom and Grandpa alone, and Genie and I got to spend time alone as well.  When mom and Charley moved back to San Jose, the Memorial Day weekend changed for us.  We had lost something.  Don't get me wrong, I am not bitter, but more nostalgic.  I will alway cherish those times Inn Oz.


As I move forward in my life after Genie's passing, I find that all "special" days bring forward feeling of grief and sorrow.  It seems there are memories of the time we shared on every occasions.  I know this is part of the healing process, but I will tell you, it sucks!!!   I cherish all of my memories of my time with her, but it is hard to deal with the fact that I can create no new memories with her.  Instead I create memories with the kids.  Watching Johnny take on The Race for the Cure or taking Jordan to San Francisco for a theater perfomance or going to Giants games as a family, there are so many memories yet to have.  I am finding it is good to grieve, but life moves on and I am finding that my life and my kids lives move on.  There is so much more to live. 


Genie...I love you now and forever!!!


John

Alone

I feel so alone.  When I say that I know there are now many people saying I am not.  I have family, friends, co-workers, and even FB friends.  Bottom line is no one can fill the "loneliness" I feel.  The void in my life that was created by Genie dying, can't be filled by anyone but her.  I know that life goes on and I think, so far, I have done a pretty good job.  But...

I so look forward to days off from work.  I think I can rest up and "get on" with life.  Spend time with the kids.   Well, in reality, days spent at work are easier than days spent at home.  I spend a lot of my time at home alone.  Even when the kids are home, they are busy with school and friends.  I get that.  When I am at work, I have that distraction from the hand I was dealt in life.  I am not asking for anyone to feel sorry for me.  I am not looking for pity.  Hell, I don't even know what I am looking for. 

For the last week I have cried myself to sleep.  My bed is so lonely.  I roll over in the middle of the night to hold her, and she is not there.  I wake up and cry a little more.  My brain starts going and it becomes difficult to fall back to sleep.  I have played so many of our fun times in my head.  It seems like yesterday when I think back to the moment I fell in love with her. 

Here's the memory...

We had been a "couple" for only about 2 weeks and my friend Dave was also in a fairly new relationship.  He had asked me to go out with him, his new girlfriend, Sheri and her friend.  When he asked, Genie and I were not together yet.  I am not sure, but I think he had gotten tickets for some event.  Well, it was simply a beautiful January Saturday and I had decided that Genie and I would spend the afternoon just hanging out in Los Gatos.  Los Gatos was always a nice place to go.  You could check out all the small shops, hang out at the park, and on weekends they often had live entertainment.  All was the case that day.  I had told Genie that I had to be Dave's wingman and needless to say, if you know Genie, she gave me so much grief about having a "date" with another woman so early in our relationship.  She knew I had no longer had any interest in going out with anyone else but her, so she just kept at it.  Well, I definitely did not want our day to end, but a deal is a deal.  Dave had been counting on me and I gave him my word. 

So Genie and I get back in my car (for you history buffs, it was a 5-speed 1974 Mercury Capri, blue) to take her home so I can get on with my night.  I start the car, and go to shift it into reverse, which was "down and to the right", then "SNAP"!!  The stick shift breaks in my hand.  What just happened?  All I can tell you is Genie started to laugh and laugh uncontrollably.  All I kept thinking about was Dave and that is he going to kill me.  Remember, this was before the age of cell phones.  Genie just thought this was the funniest thing she had ever seen.  So now it was off to find a payphone to call Dave and then figure how the heck we were going to get home.   I think that is the first time Genie ever made mention to me about things "happen for a reason".  I fell in love with her right then and there.  In Los Gatos, while she laughed a my misfortune.  I didn't tell her how I felt for a couple more weeks, but I knew that day.

I feel a bit better, at least right now, so I will say to all of you, I know I am not alone.  I have so many people that love and care about me, but you must all realize, none of you are HER.

Love you Genie!!!

John

Life Moves On

Wow!!  I haven't written anything since before Genie passed away.  Well, let's just say "life got in the way." 

It has now been 50 days since mine and the kids' lifes were changed forever.  We move on.  School didn't stop.  The bills kept coming and I went back to work.  I sure wish I could have spent more time wasting away in self-pity, but that wouldn't accomplish anything.  That is not what SHE would have wanted.  So life moves on.

Last Monday I officially took back over my location of The Old Spaghetti Factory as General Manager.  I found that I am able to focus more on work now than I had in the last couple of years.  I no longer had to worry about how Genie was.  I do still worry about the kids, but they are fairly self-relient.  It feels good to have the reponsibility back on my shoulders.  I have found myself starting to evaluate everything I do with a little more sense of urgency.  As I have found out, you never know what might happen in life.

Most days have gone well for me emotionally.  I have listened to Genie's service at least 3 times in the car.  If you all didn't know, I was given an audio CD of the memorial.  I have found it quite refreshing at times.  I will still tear up, but it does seem to allow me healing.  To hear over and over Genie's effects on people's lives is just so rewarding to me.  The last week has, however, been very different.  I am not sure why.  I have been very sad and angry.  I think that maybe it is becoming "real".  Life is moving on and we, has a family are too.  As I sit in the house writing this, I wonder if we should stay in this house or move to start over, so to speak.  Part of me thinks we need the memories of Genie here, while the other part of me sometimes thinks that makes it harder to stay.  Only time will tell. 

Sometimes it is the little things that affect me more than others.  The kids and I went out to dinner a few weeks back and it was the first time since Genie died.  It became very apparent right away that Genie led most if not all of our converstations when we went out for meals.  After a bit of uncomfortable silence everything went fine.  When we went to dinner last week, all was normal except for where we went.  No offense to Jordan, but she is not keep us from going to a "seafood" type of restaurant.  Genie would have nixed the idea of Joe's Crab Shack, but she wasn't there so that is where we went.  We had such a good time laughing and enjoying each others company.  

I miss her so much.  I still say "goodnight" to her every night and invite her into my dreams.  Life will never be the same, but I know it has been made much better by her presence in it.  I love you Genie, today and forever!!!

John

Hospice

So, when the the word "hospice" is talked about with family and loved ones, not much happiness is involved.  Hospice has always come with the meaning that the end must be near.  That pretty much makes the situation much more real.  You can deal with an illness for quite a long time with the hopes and thoughts that everything will get better.  The disease will just go away or be defeated by treatment or even a cure will be found in time and the patient will get better and all will be great in the world.  But...unfortunately, that is just a hope and dream and not how most situations finish. 

When Genie made the decision, with my 100% agreement, to have Hospice come and set up camp in our home, I can't say that I was too happy.  As mentioned above, it just begs you to think, "how much longer?"  That is not something I want to think about.  I have come to accept that the cancer is now winning and will likely take my wife.  But, Hospice does not mean it is all over.  There is still some fight left in her.  What I do know is since she is receiving oxygen, she is breathing more easily, she can have normal conversations and the coughing has calmed down a lot.  That fact in itself makes life her at our house so much better.  Just hearing her struggle to catch her breath after every coughing attack was heart wrenching to me.  I was helpless to do anything. The biggest drawback for me, is we are no longer sharing a bed.

I had a talk with Johnny and Jordan last night about Hospice being here and Genie's decision not to continue chemotherapy at this time.  That had to be the hardest conversation I have ever had.  It is pretty hard to talk to your kids about their mom dying when they are both young.  For those of you that don't know, I have two amazing children.  Unfortunately for them, this life situation has made them grow up faster than normal.  Both had always taken a very active roll in helping with Genie and her needs.  Now that the care giving has gotten a little more serious, I worry about them jumping in.  I have no doubt they will, but I can never imagine what is going on inside their heads.  When my mom passed away two summers ago, I was devastated and I was 49.  Just a little self praise here, but damn, Genie and I raised a couple of wonderful young adults!!

Today has been kind of tough for me today.  Not sure why.  Maybe because it is Hospice reality?  I have never been one to just sit around and not do anything and sometimes that is how I feel.  I know being here to help Genie is why I have taken time off.  I have however, organized some paperwork to give to our tax preparer.  That's something.  Let's see...I did the dishes and heck we all just had lunch, I can do them again.  I have checked emails, surfed the net, and even blogged.  So I guess today is complete and it is only 2:00.  I am sure I will find other things!!!

Genie, I love you!!! 
John