I feel so alone. When I say that I know there are now many people saying I am not. I have family, friends, co-workers, and even FB friends. Bottom line is no one can fill the "loneliness" I feel. The void in my life that was created by Genie dying, can't be filled by anyone but her. I know that life goes on and I think, so far, I have done a pretty good job. But...
I so look forward to days off from work. I think I can rest up and "get on" with life. Spend time with the kids. Well, in reality, days spent at work are easier than days spent at home. I spend a lot of my time at home alone. Even when the kids are home, they are busy with school and friends. I get that. When I am at work, I have that distraction from the hand I was dealt in life. I am not asking for anyone to feel sorry for me. I am not looking for pity. Hell, I don't even know what I am looking for.
For the last week I have cried myself to sleep. My bed is so lonely. I roll over in the middle of the night to hold her, and she is not there. I wake up and cry a little more. My brain starts going and it becomes difficult to fall back to sleep. I have played so many of our fun times in my head. It seems like yesterday when I think back to the moment I fell in love with her.
Here's the memory...
We had been a "couple" for only about 2 weeks and my friend Dave was also in a fairly new relationship. He had asked me to go out with him, his new girlfriend, Sheri and her friend. When he asked, Genie and I were not together yet. I am not sure, but I think he had gotten tickets for some event. Well, it was simply a beautiful January Saturday and I had decided that Genie and I would spend the afternoon just hanging out in Los Gatos. Los Gatos was always a nice place to go. You could check out all the small shops, hang out at the park, and on weekends they often had live entertainment. All was the case that day. I had told Genie that I had to be Dave's wingman and needless to say, if you know Genie, she gave me so much grief about having a "date" with another woman so early in our relationship. She knew I had no longer had any interest in going out with anyone else but her, so she just kept at it. Well, I definitely did not want our day to end, but a deal is a deal. Dave had been counting on me and I gave him my word.
So Genie and I get back in my car (for you history buffs, it was a 5-speed 1974 Mercury Capri, blue) to take her home so I can get on with my night. I start the car, and go to shift it into reverse, which was "down and to the right", then "SNAP"!! The stick shift breaks in my hand. What just happened? All I can tell you is Genie started to laugh and laugh uncontrollably. All I kept thinking about was Dave and that is he going to kill me. Remember, this was before the age of cell phones. Genie just thought this was the funniest thing she had ever seen. So now it was off to find a payphone to call Dave and then figure how the heck we were going to get home. I think that is the first time Genie ever made mention to me about things "happen for a reason". I fell in love with her right then and there. In Los Gatos, while she laughed a my misfortune. I didn't tell her how I felt for a couple more weeks, but I knew that day.
I feel a bit better, at least right now, so I will say to all of you, I know I am not alone. I have so many people that love and care about me, but you must all realize, none of you are HER.
Love you Genie!!!
John
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Life Moves On
Wow!! I haven't written anything since before Genie passed away. Well, let's just say "life got in the way."
It has now been 50 days since mine and the kids' lifes were changed forever. We move on. School didn't stop. The bills kept coming and I went back to work. I sure wish I could have spent more time wasting away in self-pity, but that wouldn't accomplish anything. That is not what SHE would have wanted. So life moves on.
Last Monday I officially took back over my location of The Old Spaghetti Factory as General Manager. I found that I am able to focus more on work now than I had in the last couple of years. I no longer had to worry about how Genie was. I do still worry about the kids, but they are fairly self-relient. It feels good to have the reponsibility back on my shoulders. I have found myself starting to evaluate everything I do with a little more sense of urgency. As I have found out, you never know what might happen in life.
Most days have gone well for me emotionally. I have listened to Genie's service at least 3 times in the car. If you all didn't know, I was given an audio CD of the memorial. I have found it quite refreshing at times. I will still tear up, but it does seem to allow me healing. To hear over and over Genie's effects on people's lives is just so rewarding to me. The last week has, however, been very different. I am not sure why. I have been very sad and angry. I think that maybe it is becoming "real". Life is moving on and we, has a family are too. As I sit in the house writing this, I wonder if we should stay in this house or move to start over, so to speak. Part of me thinks we need the memories of Genie here, while the other part of me sometimes thinks that makes it harder to stay. Only time will tell.
Sometimes it is the little things that affect me more than others. The kids and I went out to dinner a few weeks back and it was the first time since Genie died. It became very apparent right away that Genie led most if not all of our converstations when we went out for meals. After a bit of uncomfortable silence everything went fine. When we went to dinner last week, all was normal except for where we went. No offense to Jordan, but she is not keep us from going to a "seafood" type of restaurant. Genie would have nixed the idea of Joe's Crab Shack, but she wasn't there so that is where we went. We had such a good time laughing and enjoying each others company.
I miss her so much. I still say "goodnight" to her every night and invite her into my dreams. Life will never be the same, but I know it has been made much better by her presence in it. I love you Genie, today and forever!!!
John
It has now been 50 days since mine and the kids' lifes were changed forever. We move on. School didn't stop. The bills kept coming and I went back to work. I sure wish I could have spent more time wasting away in self-pity, but that wouldn't accomplish anything. That is not what SHE would have wanted. So life moves on.
Last Monday I officially took back over my location of The Old Spaghetti Factory as General Manager. I found that I am able to focus more on work now than I had in the last couple of years. I no longer had to worry about how Genie was. I do still worry about the kids, but they are fairly self-relient. It feels good to have the reponsibility back on my shoulders. I have found myself starting to evaluate everything I do with a little more sense of urgency. As I have found out, you never know what might happen in life.
Most days have gone well for me emotionally. I have listened to Genie's service at least 3 times in the car. If you all didn't know, I was given an audio CD of the memorial. I have found it quite refreshing at times. I will still tear up, but it does seem to allow me healing. To hear over and over Genie's effects on people's lives is just so rewarding to me. The last week has, however, been very different. I am not sure why. I have been very sad and angry. I think that maybe it is becoming "real". Life is moving on and we, has a family are too. As I sit in the house writing this, I wonder if we should stay in this house or move to start over, so to speak. Part of me thinks we need the memories of Genie here, while the other part of me sometimes thinks that makes it harder to stay. Only time will tell.
Sometimes it is the little things that affect me more than others. The kids and I went out to dinner a few weeks back and it was the first time since Genie died. It became very apparent right away that Genie led most if not all of our converstations when we went out for meals. After a bit of uncomfortable silence everything went fine. When we went to dinner last week, all was normal except for where we went. No offense to Jordan, but she is not keep us from going to a "seafood" type of restaurant. Genie would have nixed the idea of Joe's Crab Shack, but she wasn't there so that is where we went. We had such a good time laughing and enjoying each others company.
I miss her so much. I still say "goodnight" to her every night and invite her into my dreams. Life will never be the same, but I know it has been made much better by her presence in it. I love you Genie, today and forever!!!
John
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