Happy Holidays? Not to Sure This Year

Okay.  I know that title is a little sad, but you know what?  I'm a lot sad this holiday season.  When I last wrote in September I was worried about that month.  Let me tell you something, as of right now, this month is worse.  The Christmas season is about joy, happiness and being thankful.  The only one of those three I feel now is "thankful".  Being "thankful" for my kids and family was the only way I got through Thanksgiving and it will be the only way to get through Christmas and New Years.  Johnny and Jordan are my everything.  They keep me going.  If not for them, I don't even like to think how I would be doing.  I know it wouldn't be going as well. 

Johnny decided we should go and cut down our Christmas tree this year.  We had done it twice before as a family, but it was not a thing Genie was to into.  So this year we started a new tradition.  They each invited a friend and we all jumped in the car and headed to Auburn to find a tree.  Here's the Mark Family twist.  We left for Auburn at 4:05 and the lot closes at 5:00.  It was about a 40 minute drive, and would we even be able to get on the 16 acre lot to search for a tree, and would we even be able to see it since it is getting dark so early?  We followed the directions and before you know it we are travleing down a single lane gravel road out onto a hillside with not lights anywhere.  A couple of minutes later, there is a gate that was open, so in we go.  There were about 4 other cars there at the that time so I felt a bit better showing up late.  We were greeted by a sweet elderly lady that owned the farm with her husband and she gave us the rules, so off we went.  Picking out a tree in a lot is easier than on a Christmas tree farm.  Lots all have the "best" shaped trees.  The trees here were not groomed.  there were some that were perfect on the bottom, but had nothing but a stem going up the last foot and a half and some that had giant holes throughout.  As we trudged through mud we finally came upon one that looked good.  A little better on one side than the other, but we can turn that side to the wall.  We yell out "saw" like we were told and almost instantly someone showed up.  Johnny took the saw and cut it down.  We take it back to pay and realize there is a tiny gift shop with homemade jellies and jams, candy, hair ties, and other knick knacks.  All four of the kids had to get something.  It was a fun little adventure and it ended even better by stopping to see Monica at her and Frank's Strings restaurant and enjoying a wonderful dinner.

Well, now we had a tree.  I guess that meant I had to get the Christmas decorations down.  I admit, I had been putting this off.  I wasn't even sure if I wanted to decorate the house at all.  This was more of a Genie thing.  She seemed to really get into the holiday spirit more than I.  She loved this time of year.  It took me almost a week, but I finally did it.  The tree had been in the garage almost a week before it got to come in the house.  Once there, it stay without lights a few more days, and actually as of this writting, still is untrimmed.  (That will get done this weekend).  I pulled out all the outside decorations and got the outside looking pretty good.  Still a little more I might do this weekend, but we will see how I feel.  And then came the hardest part of this whole Christmas season for me to date.  Hanging our stockings.  The minute Genie's came out of the box, I cried.  I hung it, I cried.  I stared at it, I cried.  I just can't believe she won't be here for this.  Last Christmas was hard.  I knew deep down in my heart that it would be our last Christmas together, but those are thoughts that you try and dismiss. 

As we started to get Chrismas cards, I realized that there are people that are in my "circle" that don't know that Genie passed away.  The second card we received was written to "Genie & John"  Do I send in my card to them that she passed away.  Won't that make them sad at this time of joy?  I so wish I did not have to even think of things like that.  I have enough on my own plate, but it is in my nature to worry about others.

Now let me tell you about work.  It is the LAST place I want to go everyday.  I know it is healthy for me to go on with my life, I understand that.  But it doesn't mean I have to enjoy it.  The most difficult aspect of my job right now is when I get complaints about schedules from the team members, or even issues from the guests.  I always want to say to them "Really?  This is your issue?  Try Christmas after losing your wife and then evalute what is really important.  I am sorry your food is cold, but try waking up with a cold side of the bed every morning." Or, "Really, you aren't in a good station?  Try making 53 of you happy after you lost your wife.  I really couldn't give a crap what your schedule is.  Do you want a job or not?"

I know this is all a process, but I don't have to like it.  It's the little things that get me the most.  Just the other day while driving to work, I saw a couple, about mine and Genie's age, holding hands.  It is something we ALWAYS did.  That day, was one of the hardest days I had at work in a very long time.  That was the only memory that was in my head and I couldn't shake it.   Memories are what I have now and I need to enjoy them all, no matter how they make me feel inside.  I have mentioned it before, my life is now about "firsts".  I hate the "firsts" of anything without her.  She was my biggest supporter in everything I did and she is not here now.  I have lots of support, but it is not her.  She had to live with the results with me so it made it more real, if that makes sense.  If is were a wrong decision, she dealt with it with me and if it was a success, she enjoyed that too. 

Here's to the first Holiday Season without her.  Part of me wants to say "BAH HUMBUG!!!", but I won't.

MERRY CHRISTMAS to all!!!   And to Genie...I love you, now and forever!!!

John