Hospice

So, when the the word "hospice" is talked about with family and loved ones, not much happiness is involved.  Hospice has always come with the meaning that the end must be near.  That pretty much makes the situation much more real.  You can deal with an illness for quite a long time with the hopes and thoughts that everything will get better.  The disease will just go away or be defeated by treatment or even a cure will be found in time and the patient will get better and all will be great in the world.  But...unfortunately, that is just a hope and dream and not how most situations finish. 

When Genie made the decision, with my 100% agreement, to have Hospice come and set up camp in our home, I can't say that I was too happy.  As mentioned above, it just begs you to think, "how much longer?"  That is not something I want to think about.  I have come to accept that the cancer is now winning and will likely take my wife.  But, Hospice does not mean it is all over.  There is still some fight left in her.  What I do know is since she is receiving oxygen, she is breathing more easily, she can have normal conversations and the coughing has calmed down a lot.  That fact in itself makes life her at our house so much better.  Just hearing her struggle to catch her breath after every coughing attack was heart wrenching to me.  I was helpless to do anything. The biggest drawback for me, is we are no longer sharing a bed.

I had a talk with Johnny and Jordan last night about Hospice being here and Genie's decision not to continue chemotherapy at this time.  That had to be the hardest conversation I have ever had.  It is pretty hard to talk to your kids about their mom dying when they are both young.  For those of you that don't know, I have two amazing children.  Unfortunately for them, this life situation has made them grow up faster than normal.  Both had always taken a very active roll in helping with Genie and her needs.  Now that the care giving has gotten a little more serious, I worry about them jumping in.  I have no doubt they will, but I can never imagine what is going on inside their heads.  When my mom passed away two summers ago, I was devastated and I was 49.  Just a little self praise here, but damn, Genie and I raised a couple of wonderful young adults!!

Today has been kind of tough for me today.  Not sure why.  Maybe because it is Hospice reality?  I have never been one to just sit around and not do anything and sometimes that is how I feel.  I know being here to help Genie is why I have taken time off.  I have however, organized some paperwork to give to our tax preparer.  That's something.  Let's see...I did the dishes and heck we all just had lunch, I can do them again.  I have checked emails, surfed the net, and even blogged.  So I guess today is complete and it is only 2:00.  I am sure I will find other things!!!

Genie, I love you!!! 
John