Well...finallly. My words and feelings.

I know I am a bit late to the party.  Genie has been blogging for over 2 years.  I have often told myself this would be theraputic, but sometimes I just don't want to face the reality of my life.  Well, this is my life.  Dealing with a wife with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer;  not only dealing with it, but now dealing with it, when it appears to be winning. 

Okay, let me state that this blog is what "I" am feeling.  I think that I will have left all the real positive stuff to Genie and her writings.  It has come to me that I am not nearly as "positive" as my wife has been.  Please understand that I mean no hard feelings to anyone.  This is "my" life and how this journey is affecting me and my thoughts.  Remember...I love all of you.

So.......

This past Friday, while at work, I got a call from Genie's longtime friend, Luanne.  Luanne is an RN and works for Stanford.  Luanne had just finished talking to Genie and thought she would ask me a "hard" question.  It concerned bringing in Hospice.  Okay, to me Hospice means the end is imminent.  I am not quite ready for that.  As I spoke to her, remember I am at work, we talked about how they would be able to provide Genie with oxygen and a better bed to sleep in.  Also she mentioned that this does not mean Genie has given up, but rather we need to make her more comfortable.  I felt that this might be a good idea.  Needless to say, I am now crying...''knock, knock".."John, there is a guest up front that needs to talk to you."  Oh joy!  Let's see if I can end this conversation and become presentable to talk to a guest.    I say good-bye and tell her I need to think about this.  I straighten myself out and go meet with the guest,  About 30 minutes go by and then I am told that Genie is on the phone.  Great.  It is still in the middle of a Friday lunch, but I always will to talk to Genie.  She asks if I had spoken to Luanne, and I told her I had.  She asks my opinion.  I am under the impression that Luanne has accessed the situation and then called me to ask my thoughts.  No...she and Genie had already discussed this and now I am on the hotseat to make a decision...right now, or that is how it seems.  Again, "Knock, knock".  This is not the way to run a restaurant.  I finish my conversation with Genie by letting her know I can't do this right now (or something like that) and again, back out to work.  Well, it is a bit difficult to concentrate on my shift.  I constantly catch myself thinking about anything and everything except work.  Maybe an hour or two go by and Genie calls again.  I feel very frustrated that this is how a decision has to be made, but I agree that hospice is a good idea and tell her to have Luanne or herself make a call to get it all rolling.  I realize that the ball had already been put in motion due to the fact that Genie mentioned that they may come out tomorrow.  Where are we putting the bed?  Where am I sleeping?  Do I need a new bed?  Is Genie going to always be in the living room in bed?  Work?  What?  Am I there?  Where am I?  My brain is not at The Old Spaghetti Factory anymore.  She mentions that I should call Julie (my boss).  I mention that I will take care of my job.  "Should I call her?" she asks.  I say "no."  I say that I need to go and then I start to focus on my job so I can then think about my life at home. 

It is now about 4:30 or so and I finish a work phone call and go out front to check on the restaurant.  "John, you have a phone call."  No problem.  It is Julie.  I am told I need to take the next 5 days off to deal with what is going on at home.  How did she know?  Joel, the new GM?  No, it was Genie.  Julie would not say so when I asked, but I knew.  I was so angry yet releaved at the same time.  I had planned on checking my schedule and calling around to see what help I could line up.  I knew I needed to have the next few days off, but I wanted to make sure everything was set up before I left.  That is MY restaurant and I wanted to make sure everything was set up.  Well, when your boss tells you to collect your things and go home for 5 days, you do it.  So I did. 

Well, now I have been home for a few days, hospice hasn't called, but I have felt so needed here at the house.  I know it makes Genie more at ease when I am here and also our kids don't need to be "grown-ups" and deal with all of Genie's needs.  That is my job and I am so willing to do it for as long as necessary.  Damn, I love her so much!!!  This is so hard. 

Until tomorrow.......
John